*content warning: suicide*
So often, those of us who write in the online advocacy space feel the pressure to speak up about news stories, especially when they connect with our mission for justice and liberation. I think it’s important to speak out against injustice, to stand up for what’s right, to call out what’s wrong. But it is never quite as simple as it sounds, especially because justice requires more than words.
We are, after all, just human beings who struggle through our daily lives, some of us more privileged than others. Some of us in the midst of immediate struggles that require more of our attention. And yet, I’ve seen time after time, online interactions leading to black-and-white thinking and polarization.
I believe algorithms reward this kind of thinking and behavior, but perhaps that’s a topic for a different day.
I’m a chronic worrier with a history of scrupulosity (ethical/religious OCD), so it might not come as a surprise that I tend to mull over every word I say publicly. There’s a fear that I’ll say something wrong and get “cancelled.” There’s a fear that I’m not brave enough to say the truth. There’s a fear that I’ll be blinded by my bias and say or do something hurtful without meaning to.
I want to be perfect, an obsession that my background in Christian fundamentalism helped create. I was taught that even the smallest sinful thought or action condemned me to an eternal punishment of hellfire. Total physical and emotional purity was held up as my standard. So even something as innocent as a crush on a boy at church felt like I was breaking God’s heart and earning his wrath.
And even though I don’t believe that anymore, this fundamentalism is hard to root out of my traumatized brain.
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